God’s Perfect Timing, Eh?

 

I never trusted, believed, or liked “God’s perfect timing”. Or when people say, God’s timing is always perfect. Because majority of my life? It sucked. Until now, it sucks.

You see, today is Nanay’s Birthday, but it’s also today that her mother took her last breath. Wow. What a timing. How can one celebrate their birthday properly with that? We had the food ordered ahead to be delivered by dinner. Then before the food is even prepared, we learned the news that our grandmother is dead. Can’t even wait to do it tomorrow, Lord? So Nanay can at least enjoy her favorite sans rival cake properly without a pinch of sadness?

Same went with Granny’s death. I was supposed to have my Annual Physical Exam for work the next day but the night before it, I learned about her passing. So as I walked my way home, I was infuriated. Petty and irrational it was, I was infuriated that once again, God’s timing fucked everything up. I immediately went home, dressed up to reach the office, so I can finish most of my APE (sans stool submission which is another heck of a sucker) that night and I can be at Granny’s cremation and start of the wake the next day.

The only time I think God’s timing worked to my advantage was just weeks ago — when my period happened and ended days before my birthday. I needed it to happen and end before that because I planned to bike and pedal the number of kilometers equivalent to my new age on my birthday. And also because I don’t wanna go out the whole week for Cinemalaya being uncomfy because I have my period. I prayed too hard, consistently, wishing He’ll grant my wish. And he did. I was so grateful. I thanked Him in my prayers every night when my period happened.

But here’s the thing. It seems I always and always need to fight against His timing. Or for His timing be the same as mine. I need to compete. I need to beg. I need to do things in exchange for His timing to be on my side. Why does it always have to feel that way? Am I just imagining things? Are these just coincidences? Am I being ungrateful for all the timings He gave me when the outcome was splendid?

I remember, back in college and when I was already in my first year of working, I misplaced my flashdrive. I prayed to God for me to find it. I told Him, I wouldn’t drink soda for one week just to have it back. Yes, I was able to find it days before the one week ends. And yes, I didn’t drink soda for a week on both occasions.

When I had COVID-19, isolated in the city’s quarantine facility, I prayed repetitively for Him to spare Nanay and Noel from the virus. That may their results come back negative. As a quid pro quo, I wouldn’t drink any colored drink for 30 days. They came back negative, praise the Lord, but I think it had been more than 15 days or 20, I was biking and I bought coconut juice. I only realized my mistake after I’ve fully consumed the juice and have been biking half a kilometer away from the seller.

I’m not angry at God. I am not an atheist. This one just greatly sucks. It’s just that, again, why does it have to feel this way? Is it because I put myself in the position that I need to barter with God for my will to happen? It’s always God’s perfect timing going against Thea’s wanted timing. Because my timing is wrong? 

This is why I never believed in waiting like how others do or put it. God’s timing is perfect, just wait, they say. No. If I want to do it, I just do it. I’ll be fucked anyway. At least, I’ve done it my way, when I want it. When I need it.

Also, I used that pizza with one missing slice because we bought that for Nanay’s birthday celebration. As Noel opened the box, he was so shocked. Hala!, he said. He thought the store played him. I cannot articulate how his face looked, but it was as if he saw something unimaginable. Immediately upon seeing his face and hearing what he uttered, I laughed too hard and too long I couldn’t count. I think that was the most genuine laugh I had this year. All because of my own doing. I ate the slice before Noel opened the box. He thought he had freshly opened it because I made an effort to tie it again. Lucky me, I was able to make it look like it wasn’t untied because the rope had patterns. To note, I never intended for it to be a joke. I just tied it again because I thought it'll take us longer before we finally eat.