Did I Lose My Passion or Did I Just Wake Up?

 

Photo by Alex Fu

In the past, I could be your all-around.

I can be your writer—no matter what shit you want me to write. Articles, captions, scripts for TV, radio, digital, ads, PSAs, AVPs, programs, name it, I can and I will. Even porn! I can be your floor director (or director as well), your video editor (sans special effects), your supervisor, logistics coordinator, researcher, social media manager, photographer, videographer, producer (segment, on ground, executive — choose your poison), and even your IT associate to troubleshoot your computer.

It was the life I lived in and for, for almost six years. Perhaps because those are the situations I was wired into since I took up a course in college along those jobs. A course or a program that everyone or majority would flex and boast that, “We’re jack-of-all-trades! You can place us anywhere and anytime; we will be there!” (Jack-of-all-trades, master of none. LOL.) Yeah, “anytime”.

I used to not mind working on weekends. I used to not mind waking up at 2 am for a 3 am pull-out or field work. Or sometimes, fate will tell you that you’ll need to go home by 6 pm and go back to the office at 11 pm because you have a flight to catch. Or, you’ll need to be on field for a week then when you come back, you have another work trip after one day. Those days. Yeah, those days.

Those days when all this work for a monthly pay of less than PHP19,000.00. Thankfully, those weekend and extra hours were paid with overtime pay. Now and even back then, before I “freed” myself, I was thinking if it was just the passion or the likeness and love for work that made me stay. Aside from I needed a job, of course. I can say yes, I loved my job back then. Those experiences. But do I miss that kind of grind? Definitely no. Because it wasn’t fair. The system is rigged.

So I stopped romanticizing. I stopped patronizing. Whenever I see anecdotes of people working on weekends (when they actually don’t need to), people doing multiple jobs or titles as if everything is on their JDs (or perhaps they really are under their JDs? Wow, that must have been a long list or responsibilities. Are they working and paid for three jobs?), I can’t help but to cringe at the scenarios — most especially when these stories are glamorized, sprinkled with glitter and the light of the mirror balls sparks on them.

For instance, I saw this post on a video sharing app showing a scenario that the person was on a date but in each sentence, they were answering an email at work and their date told them that they no longer want to continue whatever they have because the other person is just all about work. And the employee who was on the video was very casual as if it was a normal thing that they were answering an email while also answering the sentences of their date. It’s wrong, at least for me.

I began to maneuver my thoughts. Before, if everybody would praise someone for working on a weekend and spending more than 11 hours in the office to finish their work, regularly, and being an all around is the way to go to be considered as the golden employee, I stepped out of that circle. As kids today put it, I’m woke.

But perhaps, one can also say I’m just privileged but to contextualize it more, the hustle culture I am referring to are those in the industries like advertising where one works for more than eight hours is like heroism and juggling different tasks, wearing different hats is grandeur and posh especially because you’re surrounded by cameras and famous people. But if you’d also look at it deeper, you’ll see how capitalism reeks all over. I need money, I work, and little employees know, they are being abused — disguised as, “You’re an excellent employee because of your hard work and doing tasks outside your JD!” or “You’re so passionate, here’s a tap on your shoulder/a pizza/free lunch/free tickets but never a salary increase nor a promotion.”

Hence, I started believing you shouldn’t monetize your passion for work. Emphasis on “for work” or your main job (but acknowledging again that this might be a privileged perspective because not everyone can have side hustles or regular jobs, depending on one’s definition). I’ve had heard and participated in different dialogues about this. That when passion becomes your bread and butter, some people would ask you to do it “for the love” and your bread will no longer have the butter. Worse, you won’t even have a bread.

Like, passion can be a side hustle and not something others can use against you — to control you — because you’re doing the shit you love.

Ernie: Why did you ever retire and deny the world of your talents?

Rook: I had nothing left to give. I was too tied up in work. What I did became who I was. And there was no more pleasure, only more work.

Ernie: Yeah. It can be hard to separate the two.

I was catching up on my NCIS Hawai'i eps and this one particular episode talked about, aside from their case, how the hacker of hackers decided to step away from computers, from hacking, and denied the world of his talents. Rook, the hacker, the father of the code Ernie was trying to decode explained. And wow, it struck a chord (and hit home).

So whenever I see a glamorized story like that, a part of me starts to ask myself I just lost all my passion that’s why I look at them differently, with… yes, that word, with cringe. Or do I envy them because they have so much passion, which goes back to the first sentence, because I lost all mine?

But guess I know it better. I realized that it’s not because I have lost my passion but really because I learned the importance of “chill”. The importance of time and life outside work — that my work doesn’t define me. That I don’t have to be like them to say I’m passionate or I have passion.

But again, it’s their choice to work as an all-around, their choice to work on their day offs, their choice to see the glitz and glamour of them all. I shouldn’t be judging but as I mentioned earlier, I find it unfair; most especially on those stories where I see people leaders doing this to their teams.

I know there are still times that I am like those stories (and I am still an all-around (especially your IT person), when needed, because I like solving "problems" and providing solutions) — working on weekends, working more than the hours of my shift (only when important), but I am glad that I’ve started to take a step back, pause, and create boundaries. And most especially, (this is where luck and privilege come in again) I can feel that I have a supportive team and leaders who respect my boundaries and allow me to have them. Work does not stop. It may not stop. But you always have the next day to answer those emails.

Work is work. Passion can be outside of it. Fair compensation is a must. And time after work is yours.

I just had a word and thought vomit in here because I saw something that made me disagree so this might not be concise and may lack cohesion. In case I still need to clear it, this is an opinion piece, just like all the other entries along the lines and sound.