Malay ko rin kung Anong Syndrome 'to.

Minsan, biglang pumapasok sa isip ko kung anong ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. I don't compare myself to others kasi what for? But lately, it seems I have been thinking and doing it.

'Yung mga kaklase ko o mga kakilala, they are part of films, written plays, scripts, books, songs, made posters, logos; basta, they have something out there, with their bylines and what. And here's me.

A lot of people, ever since, have been telling me I should write or create a film or a book. There are still a couple of those today, and new ones in my circles. But I'm still the old Thea who tells herself, I'm not good with ideas so if it's a script, I need the concept first so I can write it. Same goes with books. My thoughts are so random. Even this entry and my other entries, my book musings on Insta, even the articles I (used to) write for work, they aren't that fitting to the standards of my approvers from my POV. I get a lot of revisions, which for me says I am not getting it right (also, the reason maybe I am avoiding tickets that ask me to write in long form, no matter how much a part of me wants to try so I can practice again). Even if I understand fully that when those articles are submitted, those aren't me or mine anymore. It's the brand's. And maybe that's why I need more adjusting. Funny that I know all these, but why does it seem I cannot adjust when it comes to those long forms?

Am I just scared and I am disguising this as laziness? Do I just want my own agency? Or I really don't have what it takes? That I am settled with what I have right now pero bigla kong naiisip, what if I did these and that and those?

Malay ko rin kung anong syndrome 'to.

That photo was taken on my way home the day I decided to work in a café. I still look like a school kid then I noticed today, oh, I am getting white strands at the back.