Well.

I thought that when you put an effort into something or advocate for something that will benefit others, it will inspire others to do the same. Guess now, I’m just inspired not to make an effort or just be at the same level of effort everyone is giving — because they get away with those loopholes anyway. Loopholes I try to cover (guess I really have a Messiah Complex), then just save everyone else who started the ruins. Most of the time, they are even favored, and whatever I do, it’s just dimmed. If not dimmed, I’m in a bad light.

And this is one of the saddest thoughts I’ve had in my entire life. I hate it. I hate that I started to think this way. That I am inspired not to make any effort anymore at all. But the joke’s on me.

I told myself I’m done with the attention and all. Which I am, yes. But there are just times when I feel it’s not about the attention, but I just really want things to be fair. I’ve been having these feelings for quite some time now, but they have felt more intense in the past few days. I’ve felt more demotivated than usual. Demotivated but still doing and achieving things, which, by the way, I still think are above good. Heh. Hubris or not, I think that’s my normal. 

I do ask myself, Why am I like this? It’s just that, whew, I am going in circles again. Why do they get away, and I get the bad light when I am just being myself, aiming for hitting better and having something pleasing?

Then memories just keep coming back when words uttered said I’m hard to be with — when they’re the ones hard to be with. Why am I the problem when they started being one? I’m afraid I’ll never get over this memory. It fills me with so much disgust and hatred.

I poured and was empathic with what I learned as much as I had rebuttals — rebuttals which, if I’d be frank, will again make me look so bad. So, I decided to comprehend despite the battles in my head. All the whys. 

Is it too bad to wish for fairness? I know we are just all pawns here, but why does this keep on happening? Or perhaps my judgment is just clouded because I am not the one on the fields. That I don’t hear and see the whole story?

I remember all the days I tried to advocate for others who couldn’t and didn’t want to speak up. I should’ve learned that it just causes me harm when I do. I’m the one who looks bad despite trying to do good for everyone. And it's tiring. That nobody would like to do the same thing, not even support it, even if it's for their own sake. Or maybe the truth is, whatever I do doesn’t bring anything at all. That I am just putting myself on a pedestal that I don’t even see.

And that I’m just making these feelings up.

Let the games of assumptions begin and go.