Gaslighting Myself, My Emotions

May mga inis akong nararamdaman lately. 

Pag uwi ko kanina mula sa paglalakad-lakad, bigla kong naisip kung tama bang nainis ako sa isang bagay na naalala ko kanina. Tapos na realize ko, lagi na lang akong ganito. Kung hindi man palagi, madalas. Madalas na tinatanong ko bigla 'yung sarili ko kung,

Tama bang nagalit ako ro'n?

Maski I definitely know what happened was really infuriating.

Pero bakit after ko ilabas 'yung inis ko, kapag ako na lang mag-isa, parang binabawi ko 'yung emosyon ko? As if I am trying to reason to myself, to justify kung tama. Maski again, alam kong tama at valid 'yung naramdaman ko. Ilang beses na ito nangyari.

Kailangan ko ba ng extra validation, external validation, na sasabihing, Oo, Thea, valid 'yung naramdaman mo.

Dapat ba mas naging understanding ako?

Pero bakit ko kailangang intindihin? Bakit kailangang ako 'yung mag adjust at maging "bigger person" when clearly, hindi naman ako 'yung nagkulang? I'm so big that I can't even miss.

Because I have to be kind? Because people think I am unkind?

Syempre, dahil kuwento ko 'to, ang sasabihin ko, as far as I know, I am very considerate. Isn't that being kind? But being considerate has limitations.

Because I want things fair.

So kung nakikita kong may hindi fair, hindi lang para sa akin but for everyone, I'd bring it up. May imaginary hater ba ako kaya ang nasa isip ko, people will think I am being inconsiderate when I do (when it's them who are)?

And that's, most of the time, is the reason kung bakit ako naiinis. 'Yung pagiging inconsiderate ng ibang tao. Because things aren't becoming fair. It's so frustrating kasi, hindi ba pwedeng tabla-tabla lang? If I do this, why can't others do the same? And worst, it feels disrespectful in very specific contexts.

Or is it because I'm wary of hurting people's feelings? Maski may basehan naman. (Then people will tell you, Thea, it's never right to hurt people's feelings. Bullshit.)

Bakit kasi may paki alam pa ako sa ganito? Pwede namang hayaan ko na lang sumabog ang mundo.

Tang ina. Ang hirap maging responsable.