You watched all 16 episodes of the K-drama she told you to watch. Well, she recommended, in jest, because she knows those shows aren't your thing coming from your much distant conversation.
You're on your bed. It's a Saturday. You remembered what happened the night ago.
She liked your post that has lyrics to a song that has been playing in your head too many times.
I think I like you, maybe more than I should
Hurts like heaven, and it feels so, feels so good
When you saw the notification, you suddenly, accidentally hit the left armrest of your chair because of joy — a burst of emotions. You tried to suppress it but you failed, as evidenced by that action.
Does she feel or know it was for her? That she's the one you were thinking of when you posted that song, hoping she'll view it? That she's on your mind every time you listen to it? Or perhaps, she just knows the song, too, or the band, or she just likes the lyrics, or something else — because you have an assumption that she doesn't listen to that kind of song. Because you tried to listen to the artist she likes. And when you did, at the very first song, you laughed a little because the songs she listens to are the total opposite of your taste.
In 3...
2...
1...
She sends you a message. Totally unrelated to the song, leading you to a conversation about concepts she has challenges with, in a positive manner — that she wants to understand and learn better: pronouns. She told you some happy discoveries about someone close to her. You were smiling throughout because, at the back of your head, you ask, What do I owe the world for her to be this open to me? And in relation to her stories, she says something like she doesn't swing that way as she's too straight for her own good. You wanted to rebut. Insert a joke that prolly sounds like, Are you sure? You probably haven't just found the right girl yet (in translation, me!!!). But you didn't push it. If you were younger, and probably closer, you would. But we don't assume one's sexuality. We let them figure no matter how much you want them to swing that way — your way.
Your conversation went on and on. You were supposed to freshen up, get ready for bed, because you walked your way home for those steps, and so you're a bit sweaty. But you chose to continue replying to her messages because who would miss this chance to talk to her crush? Their crush who randomly left them a message.
A few more minutes (but let's be real, it's more than an hour), you took a bath, with your phone inside the bathroom. You made sure the volume is at the loudest it can be, and wished for the app not to sleep when your phone does. So you can grab it right away, read her chat, and reply, even if your hands are wet or if the soap covers both entirely. You got this. You've mastered this. Replying while taking a bath is an easy feat. And so the convo went on. To your surprise, as she bid goodbye, you talked for almost two hours. You screamed internally, We talked for almost two hours! Just 11 minutes to go, it would be a full two hours. Two hours. You kept a conversation for two hours straight, with someone. With someone you have a crush on who
Throughout the convo, you tried to make jokes once in a while. She mentioned different names and you kid around as if you're jealous she's speaking of others when you're the one who's there. She laughed about it, apologized, and in return said something like, she'll say she's missing you when she talks to them. A quid pro quo, you see. But you hoped it was true. Not the act. But the emotion she just said. She also told you to stop calling her by the title you are using to call her. Her name works fine. You know it will be a lot of adjusting but the back of your head unnecessarily teases you. Should you call her Baby instead? Babe? Gentle Swizzle (or Sizzle)? Darling? Sweetheart? Sweet Chicken or Munchkin? Soft Quill? Sunshine? … Love?
That same night, you finished the K-drama she told you to watch. As is your nature, you posted some stills throughout the run. You even mentioned or tagged her in the very first post but it seems she didn't notice it. Because she replied in the next photos, surprised that you watched it.
She also replied to an upload where you said, (The composition is) Pretty! She asked, She (the actress in the photo you posted)? And you answered, You.
Insert non-existent dramatic pause because…
But you steered right away, explaining that you're referring to the composition or the scene's framing. Your mind asks yourself if you did the right thing. Did she even notice (or she didn't, like the post you tagged her)? Would she even think about it? Well, she didn't react to it so did you get the answer? Or you can live in your conjured fantasy where she noticed it but she chose not to react, kept it to herself (prolly smiling, you wish), but understood what you meant? Or maybe she thought it was a typo that it meant No instead of Mo. And so you talked about the show. What you think of it so far.
You check your socials. First place you went to is where you were talking because you left her a couple of messages last night as you reached the end of the show. She replied. You smiled. It's too early for you to smile but who's counting? Then you remembered this one post of hers talking about her lone blog reader. You wanted to tell her it's you. But we can save that for next time, if she didn't notice it between your first convo.
I've been trying to finish this poem since I started it around April or maybe even March?
So you just started to include her in your prayers. You ain't religious but you did. And you included him in the roster of those departed you pray for.
In all the times you've looked at her, that bonnet pic was a money shot. That photo radiated too much sapphic energy, even if she said she's too straight for her own good. You've repeated it in your head, over and over, but dang, that image was just really —— ughhhhhh. Stop, you told your heart (and brain). But also go on. You wanted to reply, You're so pretty, you know?
Guess that image gave you a boost for the very long day you were listening to a bunch of people on stage where you couldn't even comprehend what they were saying as you were really sleepy, to the extent that you fell asleep for a minute or less while someone was talking in front.
Beep. A few minutes after your seatmate nudged you from the super quick nap, your app received an alert. From her, liking your post from yesterday.
Good Lord. This crush is crushing you. You no longer felt sleepy after seeing that notification.
That paragraph above was supposed to be the closing but life makes you realize that not everything is happy and sappy.
One Monday, 20 minutes past 10 as you were reading a book, your phone rang twice. You thought the notif was from her. And you got it right. You wrote after,
It's 10:20 pm and my crush is talking to me, randomly, about a guy whom she flirted with today. The audacity, miss?! XD
10:56 pm, she stopped replying as she already bid goodbye. I honestly don't know why I'm crying over this. Hahahaha! And maybe this is what Alex said, Never fall in love with a straight girl. This is just a crush, sure, but you get the drill.
Do I like her this much? Lol. Or maybe I just wanted the same attention she gave him? I would pick convo, too, you know.
Again, this crush is crushing you.
I greeted you with a Happy Birthday years ago, to which you replied with a thank you and asked me to write something because you want to read them. You probably no longer remember it, but well, here it is. I wrote something about you. "You never know who writes about you." In bed, in the office, at home, while sitting, "in the palm of my hands, in the air. Somewhere, sometime." All the words and punctuation here are about you. Among the billions of people in the world, I know for sure it's only the two of us will get this prose.
Jeez. I'm a bit apprehensive about putting those clues or references as this might read and feel stalker-ish, unlike that 20-minute underground railway love affair (which is my favorite). But I just really want to let this out as I got a crush, it's crushing me (in a good way) — like how the song I learned goes.
I've liked you since I was in college but I just realized now that the feeling has a name. Yep. After 13 years.
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What do you think, Awesome?